Another little poem for my red head, then a few more words.

It was your expression from those gorgeous, mesmerizing eyes

that brought that lump to my throat

and the tightness in my chest.

It was the sentiment from your heart

that again ignited mine.

It was the slow and somewhat unsure smile you gave

that made my breath quicken a little.

It was the soft sweetness in your voice

that melted my resolve.

<~)  *  (~>

I don’t know how she always seems to know just the right time to call or show up, but she does and I always give in. Like I’ve said before, she holds a place, deep in my heart that no one else has ever touched. There must be a reason we always end up right back together, that or we’re both gluttons for heartache.

We’re have a late dinner date tonight. Friday, I go out of town until after Thanksgiving, had we known how things would turn out, we could have planned for her to get some time off and come down with me. As it stands know, she has Saturday and Sunday off and she’s trying to get Monday too and she’ll be coming down to Oklahoma Saturday morning for the weekend. I haven’t sprung that fact on my family down there yet. They aren’t too fond of her but they know I love her so they’ll deal with it.

Amber’s never been down to my mom’s or my sister’s. They live way the hell out in the boonies, you can’t even find it on google maps. So she’s going to have to call me when she gets to Fayetteville, then I’ll go meet her in Siloam Springs and she’ll follow me back out to the middle of nowhere Oklahoma. My mom and sis live next to each other, I used to live where my sister does now and it is in the freaking woods, there is no way Amber would find it on her own even with the best directions. After you go about 25 minutes on the twisty chat roads, then you go over a low water bridge onto the gravel road, then up a nasty curving hill. I think she’ll see it as an adventure of sorts.

It’s a good thing I’m skinny and she’s tiny because the bed I sleep on down there is tiny too. She does flail around a lot though and likes to spread out. I haven’t had a drink in two days and I feel good inside, having her back is far better a euphoria than any booze or pills. I don’t think she’s drinking or not much at least either, but I haven’t asked and she hasn’t mentioned.

Enough of this long assed post, if I could think of a song I’d post it, but I’m coming up blank.

A Poem For My Amberella.

Just a poem of love for Amber, but not too sappy.

A Poem For My Amberella

Like a hand to a glove,

on a frigid winter’s eve.

Wrapped tightly around,

molding together,  together bound,

in love’s soothing weave.

Like a hand to a glove,

our souls joining.

Bonding smoothly in warmth,

as one together, together sworn

in love’s glowing anointing.

Cheap beer, Amber, and Judas Priest

Yesterday was my birthday and it was celebrated mildly. The two high points were first Amber showing up unannoinced with a very nice chrysal vase. She knows I have a thing for all sorts chystal. It’s all over my house and I have a small fortune in antique German and pre world war 2 Czeck chrystal beads.

I didn’t ever think I’d be glad to see her again, but I was. We had dinner and she left. I’m suppossed to call her today but I kind of fear what may become of it. She lies and hurts me, but she holds a place in my heart no one else ever has. I don’t know what I’ll do.

Right now cheap ass Steel Reserve beer, 8.1% alcohol, and Judas Priest are filling my day. The other event of the night was me sparring with my Neighbor and his 20 year old guitar playing son. It was fun but I’m sore all over. I was quite drunk, so I don’t recall which one of them did it, but one of them layed a nasty kick to my knee and it doesn’t like moving too much today, but I know they have their wounds too, Ive also got a bruise across the top of my foot so I know I landed a very painfull shot on one of them.

Now two Priest songs, the first I’ll call Amber’s Love Bites, the second was a song I obsessed on after my now deceased friend broke my young heart. We almost put it back together last year, but Amber asked me to stop talking to her and I stupidly did and now she’s gone forever.

Enough of that I don’t want to think too much, the Fates and Furies do as they please, now those jams.

I’m sure the tunes can give you an idea of how old my birthday yesterday made me, but I often chop six or seven years off of it and never act my age. Time for another cheap beer.

 

I just did a bad thing tonight.

I did a bad thing tonight. I had a first date with this gal for Friday, but put if off  ’till tonight because I had out of town family Friday, I should have put it off for ever.

She’s a nice woman and cute, as well as being a professional, but she is annoying as hell, once you start to really talk with her. I don’t mean to sound sexist, but ditsy fits her perfect. All through dinner, at this nice little Italian place I like, she talked non stop, I couldn’t get much of a word in at all and by the time the taramisu came, I was ready to climb a tall building and jump off, just to be free of her jabbering.

Mistake number one, I didn’t end the night there. I went to a club she likes with her, and as the alcohol started to flow, she got louder, talking quicker and more obnoxious. Did I mention she’s quite cute though.

So we leave the bar and the scum bag in me emerged. Mistake number two. She’s asleep in my bed now. Now I have to listen to her in the morning too. And it’s much harder to get out of now.

I had good intentions and high hopes for this date, but I ended up creating a problem for myself and a need for earplugs. But did I mention how cute she was?  And she’s cuter and much hotter once the intimacy begins. I wonder how long lust will over power her being very annoying.

If I were deaf, it wouldn’t matter. I feel like a scum bag.

I can’t think of a fitting song for the moment so I’ll just add something that reaches another place in my sore soul.  More gay Duran Duran, Ordinary World.

 

A first date, and family in town, YIKES!

I have a first date tomorrow with S. Unfortunately it will end quite prudish. My sister and mother are coming up here tomorrow and I didn’t know it until today. They’ll be staying in my spare bedroom. So nothing can happen in my place, the walls are very thin and I can’t leave them here alone from 7:00 pm ’till 11:00 or so Saturday morning, so the Fates have deal me a hand of forced virtue.

So we’ll have our first date and end it early, so I can tend to my family. I hope S. understands exactly what is going on, I hoped for a very long evening with her, but the family has popped in yet again. What can I do, there coming from out of state and didn’t know I had plans with a gorgeous young woman just out of college.

I really hope S. understands and doesn’t hold it against me. If she does, then my mom and sis will get the worst tasting breakfast they’ve ever had in their lives.

Anyway, I think I can pull it off as a gentleman and save the scoundrel for a second date. I like this gal and she obviously seems to like me too. She’s almost out of my workin’ class league, but not really and she’s hot too.

This is a  possible fresh start for me after Amber, so the only thing I’ll let screw it up is me. And if it really comes down to it, mom and Robbie can fix their damned breakfast while wonder where the hell I am for a few hours, They’ve got my phone number.

Now some music,

Billy Squire, Rock Me Tonight. Not to be confussed with Rock Me by Great white that I posted last week. Enjoy fuckers.

Forget Colorado, here’s some 80’s tunes to take the place.

The Colorado trip has been side lined yet a second time now tonight. I guess it’s not meant to be. The funeral was last week and I said my goodbye’s in my own way. A candle has been lit in a church, that is similar to Catholic and less than a minutes walk from my house, every night. The priest told me last night I’m welcome anytime asked if he coulkd help guide me through what ever it was that I was lighting the Candles for. I told him and he told me to feel welcome in his church anytime again, but candles won’t bring her back, nothing will and I need to focus on the healing, otherwise “I’ll get trapped in a net of endless grief, sorrow and regret” he told me.

I’ve written 4 poems lately for her but none have been posted, not yet anyway and maybe never, that happens to about 2/3 of my poems, just in my little journals.

Half of the music I write and then play is in the death metal genre. About death, violence, war and sufferring, but now that death and sufferring hits home too personal. I know everyone must go through this, but that doesn’t mean I can hurt until it’s time to let go.

Now Y’all are about to get nailed with a shit load of eighties dance and mellow music, I don’t ever play that stuff, except to piss off other metal players, but it holds many memories her from the late 80’s. And it’s good music for me to drink to and pop all these hyrdocodone and seroquil to, until I “fall asleep” on my office floor. Good plan, hope you enjoy the sounds of a much easier past.

4 songs, 1st, Modern English, doing Melt With You.

Now, Real Life, Send Me An Angel.

Flock Of Seagulls, I Ran.

Finally, The Motels, Suddenly last summer.

A whole lot of pain and some “Free Bird”

Tonight is bad, very bad. Her death is hitting me and the total finality is bad. And I don’t have enough pills or alcohol to kill it. No one has enough to kill the pain of death. I don’t like it.

I hate that little redhead I used to call mine for getting in the way of our reunion, but honestly it’s all on me, but I still hate that little Irish bitch for making me stop talking to her. If things had happened as Paula wanted, maybe she wouldn’t be dead. And I blame myself. And always will. She is/was my soulmate.

So long Paula, maybe next time around, and a warm tub and razor or a quick shot from my .45 or AK my make it sooner. Alcohol and guns do not mix, not for me anyway, I keep my czeck made Ak in my tweed Fender guitar case and the Taurus .45 in the night stand. Maybe it will happen tonight, maybe not. I’m out of smokes and too drunk to drive to get more, so that aggitates things.

WHY DID YOU DIE!!!!!!!!

My soulmate, why, fuck you god, yeheshua, jesus, mohamed, budda, what ever your fucking name is, FUCK YOU! Never mind that, I can’t disrespect mother Mary, I’m sorry, but I;m in a very dangerous place right now and I’ve isolated myself from my family and friends in town. My purpose of the trip to Colorado is to bring justice to the mother fucker who killed her, because the pigs won’t. Not only do I have her death, I have her retribution on my shoulders and it’s too much.

So I drink and listen to music until it happens.

Free Bird.

“Still of The Night”, a song for Paula, R.I.P.

I really miss my Paula right now. I had a friend stop by earlier, but I sent him home and now I’m alone with my thoughts and alcohol. I’m going out to Colorado Wednesday, but I’m not sure what for. Her funeral is done and I missed it, maybe just to see some old friends. It’s a lightning trip, alot of driving for a few hours with old pals and memories, I’ll be back Friday afternoon so I can make my date with my prospective new cutie.

My grandparents are gone, but I’ve never felt first hand death until now, I can’t take it. If it wasn’t for that fucking redhead I was stuck on and who only lied to me and hurt me and cheated on me, we would have gotten back together. It was in the works and I killed it and now she’s gone. FUCK!

I feel for my neighbors, they’re getting blasted with a shitload of music. Fuck ‘em. I want my Paula back and 6 feet of dirt make sure that won’t happen.

Meatloaf, I Would Do Anything For Love. I would do ANYTHING to get my Paula back, but it’s not happenning, god has made sure of that, fuck him too. Now the tune. Enjoy.

Now a song from our prom night when we both gave each other our virginity, Still Of The Night, Whitesnake

Yes we were both 80’s stoners. She was the best woman I ever knew, I hope there is reincarnation. My tears are on my face right now, I shouldn’t listen to this music right now.

“Girls on Film”

I talked to my new friend this morning and we have a date Friday night. I think I’ll try to move quickly before she learns too much about my personal habits,(pills, alcohol and very militant socialist views). She knows I’m a musician, so I think I’ll wear my tight assed leather pants and a very loose fitting and flowing red linen shirt of mine. I think she’ll like it, and she told me today she likes my scruffle, what I call my Don Johnson, Miami Vice scruffle. I am a lucky man, I don’t know how it happens. I hope it’s windy Friday night so my shirt and hair get tossed around a lot.

Everyone says they don’t like drama in their lives, but trust me a little drama always sells.

Now some Duran Duran, and I swear I’m not gay, I just like those guys. Girls on Film. No, S., she’s not a model but is on film.

 

Rock Me!

I have my sights set on a new woman, and yes she’s Irish, I asked. I met her in line at the store on my beer run. She’s a professional and well known, that’s all I’ll say for now, but not out of my league like my nurse friend Caroline.

After you’re with one Irish, you’re hooked and also we stand out easily if you know what to look for. I used to have a thing for native Americans, that’s what my departed friend Paula is/was. That fixation lasted half of my life so far, now, it’s the Irish gals, and me being half Irish helps a lot.

Like I said, she is a known figure of sorts, so no names until after a few dates, but I have her number and she has mine and this next weekend looks good. One thing I didn’t tell her, but noticed was her bra was too small for her. Sorry, I can’t keep eyes forward all the time.

Another sorry, I’m an admitted scoundrel and I know that’s bad but it’s also good and I’m always sweet and shower my women with flowers, poetry and love and music written for them. And I never, ever use the same poem or song with different women.

So my new prospect, whom I’ll just call S. for now is in my mind and I like our dynamic. It carried into the parking lot and ended tonight with a kiss on her hand and she melted. I’m supposed to call her at a little after 10:00 in the morning, I’ll have to set my clock. But I have this strong feeling, she’ll call me first. I have a weird thing that is sort of like knowing things with new women and it is burning and firing tonight.

So now a tune for the moment, Rock Me, by Great White. Oh and of course she’s much younger than me as always now.