A few thoughts on her pregnancy.

My little Amberella is sick with the flu and my and her family have us worried as hell about the health of our little one growing inside of her. She has an appointment with her doctor tomorrow that was scheduled before she got sick. And if anything odd starts happening, I’ll have her in the ER so damned fast.

I know I’ve written about it before, but I am so excited that I have a little Irish baby on the way. In a way, this may redeem me from my past ill deeds. We had agreed to wait until all of my court fiasco was done and I had a decent paying job again, but didn’t play it safe. So now may not have been the best time, but it is the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ve been in the clouds since she told me.

She hinted for about a week and I kept asking her, but it was over the phone, because I was out of state in Shitsville Oklahoma. She didn’t tell me until I got back home. I was half expecting it, from a few things she had said, and then when she told me, I don’t know how to describe the feeling. I had been afraid of it happening and hoped to avoid it, but once I knew I had a little on on the way, everything changed. I have a purpose in life now and a gorgeous little woman (5′ tall and right now a size 2) to share that purpose with me. We started the 6 month long process of a Catholic wedding, but 6 months will be cutting it very close, so we may get a Lutheran wedding, much quicker and sort of Catholic light.

I used to be a scoundrel, but I guess those days are over. I’ll continue the music life, but as a devoted man with new inspiration. I love my Amber, and I love that she is going to have my child.

Oops!

Amber left to go to work earlier than she had too. She’s a wee bit peeved at me. She made a harmless comment about how thin I was and I responded with the childish statement that over the next few months, she’s go to swell up like a blimp, she pregnant so it’s true, but I didn’t have to be a jerk about. I also told her she was going to look like a little redheaded rolly polly. It went south from there. I was only playing and didn’t think she would get her feelings hurt. I was wrong. I’ve already apologized, but I do believe flowers to her are in order.

Also, my mom will be here soon from out of town. I’m sure I’ll be getting a zillion lectures this weekend on what I have to do and what Amber has to do to get ready for our little one. Mom is great, but she loves trying to tell me what to do still even though I’m 37. And I feel for Amber because I think she’s about to start getting it too.

And back to my Amber. I truly didn’t mean to hurt her feelings or offend her. She’s the cutest little pregnant gal I’ve ever seen and will still be when she does gets as big as a blimp. I don’t think I’ll be using the term little redheaded rolly polly again though.

Too much thinking

Again, I’m sleepless. I snuggled with my Amberella for a while, but can’t sleep. My friend Chuck and his band will be playing at our wedding, so I have to teach them how to play my song Angel. Sean is going to bring a few of his Irish friends and they will be playing as well.

We have the wedding planned out already. It was supposed to be small, but most of my friends and most of hers have already said they’ll be there, as well as both of our families. My brother is going to be my best man.

I come from a very conservative family, Mike, my brother is a  very succesful banker and my dad is a police chief and has been since I was young. So it will be interesting when they meet Amber’s family. Sean is a “former” IRA man who now sides with the Continuity IRA and is against Sinn Fien. We’re all Catholic, so that should be enough to tie everyone together, as long as politics don’t come up.

Dad can deal with my politics, but I truly hope he and Sean don’t get into a political discussion. I agree with Sean, that’s part of reason why we get along so well, but my dad is very right wing. Dad also will be surrounded by all my long haired freaky musician friends. Poor dad, he’ll be subjected to those who give material support to the CIRA and to a bunch of aging stoners. But he gets a daughter in law and another grandchild out of it.

Starting our family

My gorgeous little red head is pregnant, I’m going to be a daddy. We talked with a woman at the church today, apparently the Catholic church has a bunch of hoops to go through. 6 months worth. We start the process next week. By the time we can get married she be almost ready to have our child.

I love that woman, and I am so excited about our child. We’ve already decided if we have a little girl, her name will be Sinead if we have a boy, his name will be Kerry.  My friend and former drummer has agreed to play with his new band, Ivan Crow, at the wedding.

She is a beautiful woman, red hair, size two and 5′ 1/4″ tall and 9 years younger than me. I’m a very lucky man. I have agreed to quit drinking and slow down on the pills since she had to quit. I hope we have a little girl. Sinead was her grandmother’s name but if we have a boy, his middle name will be Ilyich, after Lenin. Obviously, I’m a commie and she comes from an Irish socialist family. So we’re going to have a little revolutionary child.

She called in “sick” to work today because we had to register in the church and had several other things to do. She’s sleeping now and I think its time for me to crawl back in bed with her. In the past, we’ve had our problems, but it’s all differant now, she’s going to have my child. I love that woman.

She’s pregnant.

I found out why Amber keeps talking about having children, she’s pregnant now. So I’m going to be a daddy again, but this time I won’t run away. My daughter in Oklahoma won’t speak to me because she grew up without a father. I hauled ass down to Tahlequah last year to see her in a  show at school then took her out to eat but I had to get back to Missouri that day. That was the first I’d seen her in 14 years. She has a great singing voice, I wasn’t even there to raise her, but she has my musical gene for sure. But she’s back to not speaking to me.

I won’t screw this up with Amber, her being pregnant is like a second shot for me. I was kind of curious why  my Amberella quit drinking and smoking all the sudden. Now I know. I hope we have a little girl, and hopefully with fiery red hair like Amber.

She has desperately wanted this for a long time. I had started thinking that either she or I had a problem in that department because we tried in the past and hadn’t been safe since but it never seemed to happen, until now. So no more of our crazy breakups. We have a wedding to plan, a Catholic one, so lots of booze.

Our plan is for her to squeeze into her plaid Catholic school uniform that her mother saved and I will be shirtless in my skin tight leather pants with my inverted cross pendant dangling from my neck. The plan is for her to appear as she was on her 16th birthday and me as I was at that time. I would have gone to jail back then if I messed with her then.

But now she’s pregnant with my child.  A little Irish warrior, whether she or he be a girl or boy. Sean, Amber’s dad gave me his jacket that he wore in Belfast during the freedom fight in the 70’s.

Now the song I think was playing when she conceived.

Burnt Flowers Fallen, by Type O Negative.

So long my brother Donnie, I wish we had met.

Donnie was Amber’s older brother, he was her support network. Years ago, she came home from school at Emaculate Conception and found his body in the den. She was  only 15, Donnie had reached the ripe old age of 20 before he stuck the riffle in his mouth.

I knew about him and that he killed himself, that was all I needed to know. But earlier tonight, I was with my Amberella at her parents house and Sean, her dad, started telling me the whole story and Amber joined in. How can you tell them to stop in that situation. So I had to buck up and listen. Sean ended up giving me his jacket that he wore in Belfast in the 70’s, but I think he was really giving it to Donnie and I was the serrogate.

When Amber came home from school that day, she heard music in the den so she started down stairs. She knew what had happened as soon as she saw the way his feet were laying. But she continued down. He had no face left. According to her dad, Donnie had taken an illegal AK out of the gun locker that had a three round burst setting. That was all it took.

Like I said, I knew he had killed himself, but I didn’t need to know the details. And Sean and Mary somehow still live in the house. They don’t use the den and his room is exactly as it was when he died, but how could you live in that place. Mary, Amber’s mom, says it’s because Sean believes Donnie is still there in spirit. And he has told Amber the house is hers when he and Mary are gone.

Amber is sleeping now and soon I’ll join her again, but this story woke me up earlier. I had no clue just how horrific it was until tonight. Suicide in a loved ones family is one thing, but the details are another.

For my brother Donnie that I never met, a song that his sister, my woman refuses to listen to, Metallica, Fade to Black.

Tom Morello and Boots Riley in SSSC

If you liked Rage Against The Machine or The Coup, this is the merging of both. Tom Morello and Boots Riley together as  SSSC, Street Sweepers Social Club. So if you like a good groove or just like listening to a couple of talented commies, check it out.

Fight, smash, win, by SSSC. After this, a real post soon, I promise.

Take Me For A Little While.

It a very nice night out tonight, nice for a late night walk. I got home from losing at poker a while ago and called Amber like she had asked me too. Now she’s on the way over. A woman who will come over at 3:30 in the morning for a walk in the darkness as the warm southern breeze blows, I’ve got to get my head out of my ass and make things work this time with her. We just have to go slow.

Now a tune from David Coverdale and Jimmy Page, Take Me For A Little While.

Not the version I wanted to post, but the only one the evil youtube bastards and Universal will allow. Oops she’s here, time to shut up.

“Edge Of The Blade”

Now a quick post before I go to a friends house. This song has no meaning with Amber and I, I love her and she wants to give it all it takes. I will do the same for her. But this is an awesome Journey tune with Steve Perry at his finest.

Journey, Edge Of The Blade.

“What Love Can Be”

I do want her, I could devote myself faithfully to her and only her. But if I do, I know what she wants too. The same as last winter. She wants a child. Back then, in January, a friend said to me, you’re 37 and running out of time if you don’t want to be an old man when your kids a teenager. Amber is a good deal younger, but has yet to be a mom and desperately wants that.

This morning, I slipped back into bed with her. After last night, I didn’t want her to wake up alone. It was kind of tense at first, I almost ended it yet again last night. But over breakfast, she playfully lightened the mood. She is a master at that. She went back to her place a while ago and is supposed to stop by for a few minutes on her way to work shortly. If she can let me take it slow at first, until we’re both sure again, I’m hers. But I can’t just jump back in like none of the bad shit ever happened. I need her to let me be sure we can make it this time.

Now a bluesy power ballad  love song, What Love Can Be, by Kingdom Come.