The Killing Words and Edge Of the Blade, Journey and Queensryche

I’ve listened to a few more tunes and started thinking some, she cheated on me, not the other way around. Why am I in the losing spot! I’m not! I never truly was unfaithful, only her. I do love her, but I won’t be taken down by things that did happen and things that I forgave her of when she did it.

I won’t put it in those words, but somehow, I need to express that, no table turning, just truth, which is all I have given her. My verbal indiscretions with Mary Elizabeth were harmless with no intent of anything behind Amber’s back. And the trio idea was Mary’s not mine! I’m starting to think Mary was setting us up for her own lustful reasons and desires, but how do you convey that to a hurt woman about her life long best friend.

Anyway, I need to change the focus. I need to let her know I have done some bad things, but never cheated. She has, not me. I guess I’m still not over that yet, but how can I be. And I will not go down for something I’ve never done.

Her anger has brought back to the surface, my resentment for her dirty acts with my friends brother. God this is Jerry Springer, or Steve Wilkos shit. But I have never touched or kissed or slept with another woman while we were a couple. Never. When we were split up yes, but that truly isn’t cheating if you believe she’s not coming back.

I’m not a fool, nor toy to be used at her discretion and under her control. A true love is equal. If she hangs me for a few words with her friend, she has forgotten her  much worse indiscretions.

I want her, I love her, but I will not allow myself to be held as someone under her control, I would never do that to her.

I’ve gotten a wee bit angry obviously, so now another fitting Journey tune, plus one by Queensryche.  First  Queensryche, The Killing Words, Because it’s more fitting

Now Journey, Edge Of the Blade.

I want her, and love her, but cannot sacrifice my life to her.

She doesn’t believe me and we’re both crying now. Plus a fitting Journey song.

All my sincere apologies and promises and professions of love and loyalty went out the window in her rage this morning. She believed me, it seemed, last night and I was telling the truth, but as I slept this morning she got into the address book on my phone and found several women’s name and number’s I can’t explain in a way that she’ll accept and is truthful at the same time.

My ex wife did that to me and found Amber’s number the week before I moved out, now full circle, Amber does it and finds some things that are too much at the wrong time. The worst being not only her best friend Mary Elizabeth’s cell, but her work number too. And Mary is the one woman most in question. Nothing ever happened other than some naughty talk and plans that never materialized. It started when I was trying to fix her up with one of my best friends, Chad, I found out she wasn’t interested in him, but me and that she wasn’t quite the prudish little Catholic woman most people think, just a good cover.

I think Mary is in some hot water too, which is very bad since the two have been best friends since Catholic school. And I’m part of any falling out that comes of this. I don’t know if I can get out of this one, she was suspicious to start with and now this.

I didn’t cheat on her! All but Mary Elizabeth’s number came from times when Amber and I were split up and she did the same thing at least once that I know of. Plus she flat out cheated on me while drunk with a  former friend of mine’s married brother. Both dudes she messed around with received some harsh physical lessons for their sins but I forgave her. Now I’m reaping what I have sown, but I never cheated on her. I’ve flirted with woman, and okay talked dirty with Mary but never have I cheated on her. The only times I’ve touched other women was while we were on one of our many break ups.

In her mind, I’m guilty as sin. But I never actually put a finger on Mary, nor did she on me. Amber was in fact guilty of infidelity, but I took her back. I’m guilty of flirting and suggesting something Mary thought Amber would go for and not cleaning numbers out of my phone.

I’m not sure if she’ll show up to go out to dinner with my mom and I tommorow, but if not I hope atleast she shows up for my court date Wednesday. I could easily get sentenced to a short jail term or 28 days in rehab, most likely rehab that would start after Christmas, but I’d really like her there with me as I face the man in the black robe.

I think I’ve cooked the goose though by being playful with her best friend. She thinks were having an affair. We’re not! but how do I convince her of that?

Now a tune with pertinent lyrics. I hope it’s not over. Time to start the drinking and see how many hydros it takes to not cry and make myself wait to call her until she’s cooled off some.

Journey, Who’s Crying Now. I think we both are. I would say we’re both young, but we’re not, She’s 29, I’m 38, but we both act as though we’re going on 17.  Love is filled with fiery desire, but too much fire burns and then explodes and both may be left alone. I hope and pray that isn’t the case. I never cheated on her. Now that song.

I love Amber and never want to be with out her. I hope love, and the Fates will this ugly battle, and I don’t want her to loose her friend either.

Too much to loose, my Amber, my woman, my love

After I called Amber and talked sweetly from the heart and apologized yet one more time, she agree to come over and have pie and ice cream with me, us naturally skinny folk can eat all of that we want, thank god. That thank god goes for both the eating freedom and my woman coming over. Little did I know I would receive a somewhat tormenting lesson, but worth it.

I actually skipped the ice cream because I drink lots of beer and dairy doesn’t always work, but I ate the pie, she had both and beer as well, but not at the same time. She did make me get out and pick up some real beer, rather than the cheap shit I’m sadly getting used too. So I got us a couple of six packs of Sam Adams Cream Stout. My favorite actually and usually cheaper than her nationality’s favorite, we can go to her dad’s for that.

Anyway, after I thought I had it smoothed over, we sat on my comfy ass couch and I started playing her a power ballad that I wrote for her today. She moved in close, so much so that I got a little cramped for room to play the song, but I kept going until I lost concentration when she started to tongue my ear. The guitar shortly afterward was on the floor getting feedback from the amp as she started to make me feel like no one else can.

I thought everything was great as she got me fired up like almost never before. Then she stopped and pulled away. And started to quiz me on who I wanted. She tormentingly teased my for quite a while and finally told me, I she ever hears or finds out about me ever want a friend of hers or anyone else, I’ll never, ever have this again. I agreed, one out of pure lust and two from the heart, she is my woman and I am her man and I was an idiot for suggesting the thing with us and her friend. Never again, she is all I need for real, I just thought I saw an interesting opportunity. I was wrong and it will never happen again, too much to lose.

I’m going to add a romantic song from Jon Seceda(even though he’s associated with the anti-Castro Miami whack jobs) and drink the rest of the beers, then snuggle back up to her, my Amber, My Love.

BTW, I’m taking Amber and my mom to Red Lobster Tuesday night, they both have a disrespect for each other, I hope they can keep their crazy tiny Irish woman claws out of each other. Their both volitile. Mom’s 5′2″ and my Amber is 5′ and a 1/4, but I wouldn’t tangle with either of them, either one could rip a giant’s throat out in a heart beat, must be the Irish. That’s a joke, but I do hope they let go of their differences because one is my fiance and soon wife for life and the other is my mother they need to find a bridge, a tiny bridge built for tiny Irish woman feet, sorry another bad joke, I swear I’m sexist.

My women, my guitars, and a song By The Master, Carlos Montoya.

For Christmas, Amber found my a guitar strap that was lined with dummy 7.62 rounds (ak 47). I hope I can smooth over the problem I created, not only for that strap, but because I love my woman and my life goes to hell every time we’re apart.

I’m going to put it on my hotrod Jap made Fender Talon from ‘91. Floyd Rose tremolo, two very hot Dimarzio humbuckers and an added vintage noiseless I put in two years ago, in the center. It kicks any Ibanez or BC Rich ass. The strap on it now was a gift from my ex wife on our first Christmas, we were poor then, and it will go on my red US Standard Stratocaster. Amber doesn’t need to know where I got that strap, especially now, since she’s questioning my faithfulness. But that strap is so comfortable and has held up flawless for 13 years. Anji, my ex wife, also got me the Fender Talon, after I destroyed my Contemporary Stratocaster in a fit of rage, Amber doesn’t and won’t know that either, nor will she know, my Yamaha keyboard was a present as well. She is a jealous woman, and sometimes, rightfully so, so if she knew who picked and gave me about a third of my musical gear, she might get pissed.

The Fender Talon is a somewhat rare guitar, and a bad ass, the best guitar I’ve ever had, even though it was made in Japan, so it deserves a rare strap, and a strap loaded with AK rounds fits my personality.

Amber helped my pick out the classical guitar I have know, It’s from Spain and was more than I could afford, but sounded so beautiful. I didn’t ask or even hint, but she helped me pay for it. I don’t think I have a single piece of gear that a woman didn’t either give me or help me pick out and pay for other than the Fender acoustic my Grandfather left me and the 110 year old hand made violin that also was left to me. by my Great Grandmother. It was her father’s,  Zeke Proctor, google the name, revolutionaries obviously run in the family, as well as musicians. I’ll put up a post of a tragic love story involving a triangle between him, his love, and her law man husband, the ended in the death of her by accident in a dual. The Marshalls then came after Zeke, the Proctors and the Christies, the law men lost. It went down about a mile from where my mother lives in Oklahoma, and that heritage is the only reason some full bloods don’t hate my blue eyed, half Irish ass.

That’s another post though and it will come soon. I love my roots, fighters all around, but this is about guitars and a cool guitar strap I’ll get if I smooth things over with my woman, my true love.

Now it’s time for a song for true guitar lovers, I play everything from death metal to classical and all in between. And if you take the classical and flamenco you can create the best death or black metal, even though jazz is where I make my money. This song is all one guitar and when played live, all eyes are on you.

Carlos Montoya, Malaguena.

Now it’s time to go write a piece that will hopefully melt Amber’s anger.

A little about my Daughter and then some trouble with Amber, Plus George Thorogood, “As The Years Go Passing By”

My trip yesterday to see my daughter was good. She seemed to like it and I think she likes Amber too. As planned we kept my mom and sis in the dark about being right there in their neck of the woods. I’ll see my mom Tuesday anyway, she coming up for my court appearance, I think my sis is still a wee bit fuming over the family fireworks last week though, oh well.

Speaking of fireworks, the trip went south as Amber and we headed back up north to Missouri. A stupid suggestion I made about a week and a half ago, involving her, me, and her friend Mary Elizabeth came back up. Amber thinks I have the hots for her friend, she’s cute but it’s the other way around. Mary and I had spent some time in conversations we shouldn’t have been in and I thought Amber would go for. I’m an idiot! And apparently still paying for it and probably will for a while I think.

I hate it when I arm a woman with something to resent and bring back up every time something triggers it, but it was my stupid fault, so I have to take it and all I can do is try to assure that I don’t have a thing for her best friend or any other woman and the she is all the woman I want and need. I didn’t say it like this, but sorry I’m a guy, and a recovering scoundrel, and I miss read what, I thought, would be a curious opportunity. I love Amber and will be faithful to her, something got in my head and I thought she like to try it. MORON!!!

Anyway, I’m going to call her this evening and see if I can cool down the hot water I jumped into. Apparently, she has kept the couldron simmering and it erupted into a boil again this morning.

After dinner and the movie in Fayetteville and taking Brit home last evening, we went back to Siloam, where I used to live years back and had a little get together with two old friends of mine. One of them, shortly after meeting Amber, allowed his tipsy ass to say, “wow, she’s almost short that little thing Tammy you used to run with, you really like them little ones don’t you.” That’s when the jealousy started, I think. I need to drill him in the privates next time I see him.

Back to my daughter. She turning into a very beautiful young girl/woman and she has a great since of humor and the sweetest voice, much like her mother’s voice. Her full blood boyfriend seems like a nice kid too, his hair is longer than mine. He seems to really like her and is surprisingly respectful for a teenager. I never thought I’d be judging boys like girl’s father’s used to judge me, but he seems like a good kid. I must be getting old, but I won’t admit it ’till I start to act or look it.

I used to be terrified to meet a girl’s parent’s as a teen. I had a prettyboy face with big hair halfway down my back and jeans so tight, if you looked, nothing was left to imagination (It was the late 80’s). I usually did okay though, must have been the practiced smile and catholic school boy reverence, that last part was an act. I did get chased with a broom once at 18 by this gals mother, though, when I brought her home drunk at 4:00 in the morning, but she didn’t  try stop us from dating a little more, just scared the piss out of me and the few more dates we had, she was always home on time and somewhat sober.

To end this long assed post, as usual, a tune. This time George Thorogood, As The Go Passing By. This is my favorite version of this blues classic. I play a similar version when I do my jazz.

The Warmth Of Your Scent.

A poem of love, somewhat steamy for my Amber. Now I have to write it on paper before she gets home. I think I’ll spritz it with a little Grey Flannel cologne.

The Warmth Of Your Scent.

I love the scent of your saliva on my upper lip.

I love the scent of your body next to me as we sleep.

I love the taste of your body as my tongue ventures all over.

And I love the taste of your femininity.

I love the way your body moves with passion.

I love the passion you give with your body.

I love the electric feel that stimulates my skin,

as your fingers lightly caress.

And I love your soul that has given wings to mine.

Love and humor, with a little Enrique Iglesias

That gorgeous little Irish gal of mine, my fiance, is working a little late tonight, then going to food 4 less then Taco Hell to get us a cheap late dinner. Her lease is up in February and will be moving in with me. My place is bigger and cheaper. I’ve started the ball on getting custody of my little girl, who’s no longer a little girl, she’ll be 16 soon. My office will become her room and it has a huge walk closet. I think she’ll like that.

Tomorrow, Amber and I go down to Oklahoma to take my daughter and her  Cherokee boyfriend to Fayetteville Arkansas, an hour away, but the only real town close, for dinner at the AQ chicken house, then a movie. Then back to Talahquah to her boarding school that she’ll be leaving in the coming year. Amber and I are going to stay in Siloam Springs and meet up with a couple old friends of mine for a late night get together. They are going to shit their pants when they see her. Amber has that effect on lots of guys. I am a very lucky, lucky man. And never will let her slip away again, our emotions sometimes get volatile and words get said, but that same passion has created an explosion, an eruption of the most intense love, longing and desire that I have ever known. And it’s not just because she’s a tiny, sexy redhead, our souls have touched and they are a perfect fit, like a hand to a glove.(I think I wrote a poem by that name).

Anyway, I had given up on the whole soul mate thing until I made my first eye contact with my Amber. It lingered for a few weeks, then she made the move, not me. And I’m glad she did. I had a situation that was dying at the time and also she is so good looking, I was intimidated. I thank Mother Mary and “Heysus” both that she made the first move.

Now a hilarious spoof of one of our songs, Hero By Enrique Eglesias. It’s great, watch it and laugh. The soul loves to laugh.

Now the real song, I’ve posted it before but we both love it and I’m going to ask her if she would agree to me playing and singing it at our wedding. I can play it perfect, but singing isn’t my bag, but it’ll be for her though, if she’ll have it, I’ll do it.

12 against 600

This is a video in honor of the bravest who fell under imperialism’s evil NATO heel. This is a very sad but inspiring video. Men going into certain death to defend their homes, neighbors, children against the US/ NATO aggression. I’m not Serbian or Slavic at all but I hope I would be this brave if called for.

Just as a side note, as well as the US intentionally bombing a school filled with children at one point, the US and NATO funded the rightwing KLA (Kosovo Liberation Army) who brutally harvested organs from live Serb civilian hostages to be sold on the black market for transplants. Nice guys, huh, and that is who the  good ol’ USA backed. Any of you “love it or leave it” fuckers out there, buy me a fucking ticket. Ireland is my first choice, but you can get me one to Cuba or Venezuela as well, my Spanish is good. Actually, I wouldn’t leave because once capitalisms on going crash get bad enough, the workin’ class people and angry under and unemployed masses will burn Washington down, hopefully with the same valience and bravery of the Serbs in this video, I shut up now. Watch the video, there’s a piece of footage that made Amber cry.

“Cemetery Gates”

A little song both for my now gone sweetie from years ago and the death of my druggy years. I’m getting clean for my woman and more importantly, my daughter. But I still will keep being the eternal 21 year old and my music will keep on.

Now Cemetery Gates, by Pantera

Fedor Vladimirovich Emelianenko

This post is in response to a very cute Polish gal who posted an MMA fight, but the true king of the ring is Fedor. I’m sorry to my Irish brothers and Cuban sympathies, but Fedor rules the ring with the Russian might of 1000  nuclear Migs. Rogers first jab broke Fedor’s nose and Fedor went on to win. Very Russian, Very Stalingrad. The Russians, Serbians, Cubans, and Irish have the same soul. We win any fight at any cost.

I’m sure it’s the same for Polish, they are slavic, like the Russians, I just hope it’s for pride and nation liberation, not capitalism.

now the fight, Fedor Emilianenko vs. Bret Rogers, awesome fight.